Freedom

Was what she wanted.. no commitments, no need to report to anyone. No responsibilities to carry at all.
What did I want? Come to think of it, I never thought of anything much other than trying it out.

I thought I was gaining some ground, I thought I was making progress, I never would expect I was so fucking fucking FUCKING FUCKING wrong. Never in my fucking whole life have I been so wrong, its as wrong as saying Boon Lay is near Pasir Ris. I was totally stunned I just fucking stared at the screen for like 2 minutes..

"i gotta let ya know something, that whatever I said last time still stands.."

My mind went blank, I was totally disillusioned.
Apparently she was STILL (after .. 7 or 8 months) apprehensive about building a relationship and having to commit, having to bear responsibilities.
I just couldn't believe my eyes, who the fuck thinks so far ahead when you haven't even started or given it a try?

I talked to her some more but I soon realised she was hellbent on staying single, probably for at least a few more years until she meets a better someone. Who I think would have to be a guy version of Mother Theresa or something like that.

"you are a very nice guy but I cannot give what you want."

What did I ever want? I asked myself over and over.. What did she think I wanted? I was stunned yet again.. Felt exactly like my MA1505C paper except it was worse. I didn't even think that far, I only thought of trying out a r/s with her, someone you could talk to or share your woes together. Is that very hard to "give"? I've been giving these "services" even without being in a relationship..
I couldn't help it but the tears just flowed, they didn't stop till about 20 minutes later.. Another first.. I felt so bad I was just quivering with tears rolling down. This hasn't happened in the last 10 years i guess.

Winamp, being sympathetic decided to play Andy Lau's 忘了隐藏.. and the rate of flow increased maybe twofold... after that was Leon Lai's 心在跳. Most amazingly, the next song was Zhen Zhong Ji's 戒情人. I just couldn't help it man.. Winamp was on RANDOM I swear to God. It was playing my favourite super sad songs in quick succession.

After talking to her a bit more, her 语气 was kind of like ... I can't describe it but her messages were peppered with "haha" here and there. I felt super pathetic and I told her that. Sigh, Jianwen (arrow proof monk) just sent me an article regarding similar situations..
"you're making me angry" implies you have no control over your emotions and others are controlling you. "you're making me feel really pathetic" .. I had no control of my emotions then.. but who could blame me?

I'm so sorry for myself, for putting in so much effort for the past 7 + months. I thought it would work out to become something nice but life dealt me a cruel card. After this I guess I have lost quite a lot of confidence in girls, of course there are "greener pastures" out there, and countless "nicer girls" out there but I guess all i need is time to recover from this .. shock.

And dear BBSSRCPCMO can you please wake up your bloody idea and learn how to comfort your bestest when he's down?? Say something better than "That's life" or "I've seen worse cases" blah blah..

Anyway, that's the end I guess its been most unfortunate that she has a mindset that cannot be changed and I'm at a loss at what to do. I cannot change her mindset, I've tried my best, I am not at fault, I should concentrate on other stuff, occupy myself with other stuff and forget about her. All easier said than done.

Dear ppl, I would appreciate it if you all don't suan me or over comfort me in my tagboard, I'm generally ok :)
Will continue to love cars, will resume swimming, and running and jogging and tennis and volleyball and perhaps not gunbound cos she plays it now.
Maybe some advise on how to retain our friendship will be appreciated..

My thanks go out to Eliz the bestest(wake up ur idea lah), GX, Beng, his sister Yeing yeing, Jing kai, and old buddy Nick..
Yes I whined to this many people when I was down.
Just remembered this nice song by Beatles..
"with a lil help from my friends.."

I'm glad to have you :)