Priceless quotes #2

"忍无可忍，就拿出心中刀，插向仇恨心！"
LCP Tan Ch** H*ng

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If you could map out a person's personality, his soul, I wonder how would one divide it into basic elements ala Periodic Table in chemistry.

As I grew older, I figured out some of my personality traits. I remember in P4, this boy called Desmond gave me a real big slap on my back with his palms for no apparent reason. He did it in the school bus with perhaps all his strength. I managed to feel very angry just before I burst into tears. I recall after I told my then 'best friend' Andrew who was a TKD student, he told me he gave Desmond a reverse thrust kick to his head the next day. Well it sounds frickin naive but i believed him, anyway I didn't see Desmond around so couldn't be bothered with that asswipe anyway..

Then I went into NS, it really was a culture shock. I remember during PC interview, my PC said I seemed like one of the 'zai kia(s)' meaning I was one of the 'finer recruits' if I may say so. He asked me if I had any grievances to bring up, I still recall he was like totally methodological (wait a minute is there such a word?) about asking it..
2WO Sim: Lee, any family problem?
Me: No sir.
2WO Sim: Money problem?
Me: No sir.
2WO Sim: Got girlfriend?
Me: No sir.
2WO Sim (muttering): No girlfriend problem *while writing down on my interview booklet*
Me: Actually sir...
2WO Sim: Ya..? (is that dulan-ness I sense in his tone?)
Me: Sir, actually I a bit of culture shock, in school and at home, whole life never heard so many lan jiao, chao chee bye, kan nin na compared to 1st day in BMTC..
2WO Sim: Lee..(chuckling) you have to get used to it, this is the real world lah.. don't believe next time you go out to work it will be the same. Don't take it too seriously..
Me: Yes sir.

Thinking back, I am also confused man. My family upbringing was moderately strict, Buddhist family although we believed strongly in certain Confucius' (Confucian? Confusion?) values such as filial piety etc etc.. Never had much conflict at home, at most minor squibbles between us siblings etc. Never really had a fight, or real quarrel with other friends or classmates. People said I took after my dad, which I thought was a compliment since he seemed always so cool headed and practical. Everything he said made sense to me, more often because it was logic at work. My "ECU" was slowly tuned to his "throttle inputs" becoming more and more familiarised with him and his expectations and values.

Patience and tolerance, he taught me, was much of a desired virtue to possess. Till today, many friends around me believe I have quite a high tolerance level. However I am slowly starting to feel that tolerance level dipping, everytime I get angry at something, everytime I make mistakes and I have to take the blame. I suppose I have a huge phobia of failure and making mistakes, like when I was still around 12 and I started complaining to my dad that I was tired or something like that. That was in the coffeeshop and he gave me a slap right there and then.

Perhaps from then on, I absolutely resented the feeling of embarrassment and whatever other emotions and feelings that might lead or arise from that. I just quietly listened when others lectured me but when their backs turned, I cursed them and their whole families, either I asked for death to take them swiftly or I would just hurl vulgarities in my mind, elementary stuff like "fuck off from my world and I hope you die fucker". It served somehow as a way to let off steam although it was all inside of me. I only started rebutting my siblings during secondary school, among friends I don't recall any real bad incident. Perhaps there hasn't been a chance for this to take place anyway.

As I became an adult, I absolutely resented being lectured by someone else. I just couldn't take it unless it was absolutely logical and I admitted it was my own fault. The bottom line was that if somehow someone made fun of me, I would feel terrible, my stomach would heat up and my chest would get really tight and I can really feel adrenalin, coursing through my body. It was my brain, releasing all the proper hormones to get ready for a fight, to bash the other fucker who had offended her master if I may refer to the brain as a female organism. This feeling has intensified over time, even as I type I can feel perfectly what I am describing now.

ST said that the biggest sin of us Singaporeans was Anger (Wrath) and I actually am quite surprised that I am somehow quite a frequent committer of this sin. In fact, doesn't this seem like a movie? 'Anger management' and I'm Adam Sandler. They say, it isn't the constant lava-gushing volcanoes that are dangerous, rather it is the dormant ones that wreak havoc occasionally.

Come to think of it, maybe a fight during younger days might have been beneficial.

Anyway for a summary..
1. I am extremely phobic about being 'excluded' (non-acceptance) or made fun of. I'm sure I will fly into a rage if that happens.
2. I am extremely phobic of embarrassment.
3. I am extremely phobic of failure.
4. I lack discipline.
5. I need to find an avenue to really vent my anger or find a shrink.

PS: Thanks PC for sending me that song, it was highly therapeutic.