In times when I'm stressed and I'm out of place..
do I/should I

act somebody else to fit in?
or be myself?
Most people I think would definitely say they'd take the 2nd choice but I think most of them also subconsciously "act" or "develop" another persona to fit into the crowd.

Just a random thought on what would I do, like later on during tennis... zZzz

Watched LOTR today. Somehow the fact that I already know what's gonna happen served to make me very very bored throughout the movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it when the whole cinema's girls began shrieking on seeing Shelob coming after Frodo Baggins. Haha.. but it did seem a little draggy towards the end, but I could feel the hairs of my neck standing when Frodo decided to leave Middle Earth together with Bilbo, Gandalf and the rest of the Elves for the "West"? Whatever that place is lah.. dammit.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve ... time for more resolutions..
1. Do well in studies.
2. To keep myself healthy.
3. To be happy and contented and spend less money.
I think that's about it... if not I will be under a lot of pressure.

Hmnn I would like to conduct a poll, who wants to know more about cars? Haha! Reply in my tagboard!

Man Utd is so lucky... they won 1-0 over a very spirited Middlesborough with 10 men. Darren Fletcher got sent off. I was thinking well that Fletcher guy isn't exactly very impressive to me at all, if I were the team manager I wouldn't field him at all. What's more amazing is that the amazing players playing in Middlesborough... Gaizka Mendieta, Boudewijn Zenden(correct spelling?) as well as Juninho. I last saw Mendieta kicking ass in Valencia, Zenden in Barcelona FC. Juninho sure has a fiery temper kept arguing non-stop and well think referee dished out 4 or 5 yellow cards and a red of course.

Found out that tennis courts in NUS can be booked online.. I bought the overgrip for the tennis racket and I changed Walrus' pathetic toweling grip to a new overgrip. Guess that's his present for ... driving down personally to lend me his racket, haha!

Body clock is going upside down already, I'll try to sleep now.

Car of the day, A bright yellow Porsche Carerra-S zooming down Orchard Road in traffic jam conditions. Recently I've been seeing yet another Porsche in my neighbourhood, its a 923 or 925 I forgot the number, not very familiar with such expensive sports cars anyway..

My desktop PC is positively getting from bad to worse, now the mouse doesn't work anymore, something's wrong with the BIOS? (Basic Input Output System) It crashes when BT(BitTorrent) is running, takes an incredible long time to run IE(Internet Explorer) even when I have gigs of space for virtual memory to utilise..

Now I'm using my laptop looking at a blue screen on my desktop PC sigh.. there goes all the message history, bookmarks, but well the mp3s and anime are all intact hehe..
Oh damned I think my progress for Need For Speed: Underground is gone, stage 80 out of 111.... damned.. unlocked so many funky cars already :(

Read from Hai~Ren's email that 42 is now doing really silly things like giving out threats or something like that. The thing is that the poor guys are supposedly going to get punished if they can't pass their physical proficiency tests. That's bullshit.. its totally absurd. Apparently you won't be able to ORD if you can't clear the test. Wow great so if you're born obese, simply can't shed weight or you can only do 5 chin ups within your human limits.. you can't ORD?

Is 42 really that pathetic? That the commanders have to resort to using such .. idiotic methods to force people to pass IPPT? IPPT isn't that hard for me anytime but I don't know for others. In any case I'm quite damned sure these new measures/controls/threats/whatever really reflect very badly on the commanders even though bonuses and promotions might not actually be the root of these new "threats".

I remember the days, I volunteered for RT, to try to get the gold award. (Actually its $400 haha) Now I doubt that the soldiers will want to even try for gold. Guess the new CO is not that "smart" after all. Isn't it common sense that everything rests on morale of the soldiers? Duh.. if they don't take back this stupid threat I really hope the whole battalion doesn't even get a single gold. Then all the commanders will wake up their bloody idea haha!

Oh well, ORD loh...

Feliz Navidad folks....
I spent Xmas Eve working, Dawn of Xmas singing karaoke with my secondary school friends, and christmas day watching movies at home. Heh.. what a life man. I didn't even make a Christmas wish hmnn.. nevermind guess I gotta make 1 more New Year resolution then.. 2004 here I come!

Tennis rackets to spare?? Anyone??

One of my favourite female singers is Liang Jing Ru, Fish Leong. Check out that .. fish man... what a weird name. Oh well I wondering should I support her and buy her album or just live off her mp3s that I downloaded off the net..

Few days ago, I had a swim with Hai~Ren the bugger.. we swam a total of 2 laps and 1 breadths of the pool. And slept on the deck chairs for about an hour + or so? What gluttonous meatballs we are.. hahaha. We had a great time talking ... absolutely crap.. how to finish off our army superiors "happy tree friends" style.

Had a great time at NTU playing tennis .. some shots I hit were plain incredible man I mean by my own standards of course. Maybe I play better because I watch ESPN tennis a lot its very interesting to see how good players make full use of the court's width and length and the variety of shots they can come up with. Yeah ... the principles of physics behind a game of tennis haha. It really is the most fundamental of all sciences and that's what I like about it. I think Feynman once said something that I want to reiterate here but its not totally the same cos I have short term memory loss.

"You may know the name of the bird, what colour it is, how heavy, what species but yet you do not know anything about what the bird actually does"

Well you may know how to "topspin" a tennis or ping pong ball, its the opposite in this case. You apply the principle knowing its effect but you do not know what its called or how exactly to explain it.. in future my job shall be to explain this to the world! Hahaha!!!

BTW, something totally out of this world happened, I considering whether I should buy 4D.. This morn I logged on to CORS so that I could at least settle and register 2 of my core modules first. She was online and I said oh well I gtg for some tennis action. Suddenly she seems all excited, exclaiming she wants to learn how to play tennis etc etc. Ah well too bad I just gotta shut down my computer and leave the house.

So after returning home and having a good nap I woke up to CORS my modules again. Note how CORS has changed from a noun to a verb. Haha! She's online again, asked about my tennis day blah blah and once again elling me she wants to learn tennis. Then she gives me killer lines like "want to teach me tennis?"

I'm her tennis coach now... so anyone has rackets to spare? Tennis balls too~
When will I understand how this world works...

Got my results today.. all of them were Bs (reminiscent of my A level grades)..
Got 2 B+, 2 Bs, and a B-
Frankly if I had even worked my ass harder the previous semester I would have most probably got at least .. an A for my SCC module. Perhaps its the project work that pulled me down but I gotta admit I was quite lazy too. Lesson learnt is project work counts a lot, try to avoid it if possible. (hehe)
Went to sing KTV with my secondary school friends and I was trying desperately not to shed tears when I sang Jacky Cheung's "Ta lai ting wo de yan chang hui" literally, she came to listen to my concert...
Its just that the recent turn of events have been kinda unexpected yet expected. I'm still learning how to grapple with it..

We all learn by making mistakes.

Spent 14 bucks at KTV not to mention the 3 dollars of parking coupon I used.. zzz
I live such a fugged up life man... but its better than most of the other people in this world.

Oh yeah I'm supposed to go clubbing tomorrow night but I am so damned demoralised I really don't feel like going. I never liked going clubbing anyway, I'd give anything to chill out to the music minus the alcohol, and the entrance fee as well. Everything looks out of perspective right now... I just wish an angel would whisper into my ear tonight when I sleep, coaxing me, consoling me, giving me advice, giving me direction..

Read this in one of the xanga blogs..

"When she tells you that you're just her friend, most guys fail to catch this point and give up. If you just treat her like a normal friend, chances are that she's gonna miss the attention showered on her. Women are attention-seeking wh*res"

Hmnn could this be true? Or am I just looking for a ray of hope..
Oh well results will be out tomorrow and my god.. she seems to be hinting to me to take the same breadth next semester... hmnn.. its probably another of my super imaginative thoughts coupled with my incredible sensitivity to any stuff from her.
Damned its tough but I'm trying..

In primary school the science teacher taught us. "To compare 2 things you have to make sure they are under the same conditions."

Its not totally, directly relative to what I'm going to say but its not entirely unrelated to what I'm gonna say also.

Most if not all of the opinions of my friends have been right because they were a neutral party, they could see things more objectively, they could view things in a much less prejudiced view. This is really so "HK drama" style man.. can't believe its happening to me.

As I was saying to Ivan, its come more as a huge 20 storey high tsunami wave of disbelief rather than sadness or pain. A nice analogy would be climbing a mountain. You spend half a year training, training and training (Think Khoo Swee Chiow or whoever or however you wanna spell his name) and you start off... but it seems like the mountain simply extends higher and higher up into the stratosphere, atmosphere, assholesphere whatever you wanna call it...

The point is you will never complete the climb, and you don't know that its an impossible job to accomplish..

I've also found or rather verified a .. "psychological characteristic" of mine.. Whenever I'm depressed or sad or angry, an innate sense of wanting to share my shit with the world overcomes me and soon I will start bugging other people with my problems. Don't know what would happen without my friends around :) Maybe I would just explode from the internal pressure under constant volume expansion.. wahaha!

Must go for a swim tomorrow I have a date with my FRRRIEENNDD I have a LLLIIIFFEEE....
Grrrrrr anybody pisses me off within the next 5 days will get it.. excluding close friends and family

Sigh.. now is really verdict passed liao. I would like to dedicate Qi Qin's "Wu Qing De Yu Wu Qing De Ni"

The deed has been done... I shall continue with my life yeah so happy its a sunny day today.
I shall now go and wash the car instead of moping over non-existent troubles.

All I wanna say is thanks to SY who most prob won't ever get to read this.. and Ivan for listening and dispensing advice. Of course my dear buddy heard me out too thanks Beng..

If the situation doesn't improve I guess its time to use the last resort already.. time to bare nothing but the truth..

Hey who you kidding man, you just ain't gonna tell her right you're just fuckin afraid its gonna piss her off and you're gonna lose another friend? Wimp...
Its time to tell her how pathetic and lousy she's been treating you, playing you like a bloody fool..
Its about time you wake up and try to wake her up too.
If not holidays are gonna end, you're going back to school wasting almost 3K a month fretting over some unnecessary shit.

I have strange feelings bottled up inside me, if I wasn't fond of her it would be anger. So what would anger + affection = ?
Maybe someone can help me solve this equation man.. then I won't be so damned confused and pissed off and yet trying not to feel pissed because I'm supposed to like her. For what? I remind myself.. for what? I wonder if she was just a normal friend to me would I still feel pissed? But I feel pissed because I expect something in return, and I get this kind of thing. Ivan is so right man, I have a right to feel pissed cos I have a case.

If you ask me to list down 10 things I like about her I'd probably be stuck before I even begun. Maybe dreams will always be sweeter than reality. I guess she probably didn't understand why I sent her Selena's Dreaming of you, Lisa Ono's Cherie Amor. And yeah she sent me Code Red's What good is a heart. Seems like such an irony man, cos from what I see she sure ain't got no heart, at least none for me.

This reminds me of Stan from Eminem..
"All I wanted was a lousy letter or a call, I hope you know I ripped all your pictures off the wall.
I love you Slim we coulda been together think about it, you ruined it now I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it.
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it. I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me."

The rest of the lyrics are more and more irrelevant already so there's no point. At this point its 12noon and for the first time of the holidays, she's online. I don't think I wanna message her but even now I still carry a tiny bit of hope in my heart. Its time to shoot the email already..

Listening to: Ono Lisa - Moonlight Serenade (chill the fire..)

This blog seems to contain only lots of unhappiness and rants. And a hell lot of "sighssss"

2 words can describe today for me, f**ked up. Totally, the night before I got no reply, the morning I woke up the contractor came to look at the water leak and didn't repair it. Then I got caught on various traffic jams on the way to collect the car. Then, in return I get a scolding from my dad. Then after collecting the car I went to fetch my mother, had some peace finally but got horned by a stupid BMW for cutting into his lane.
Like my fault, I could cut into his lane or I could run down the cyclist lor! Bloody fool I hope he gets his car scratched, hubcab stolen, and windscreen cracked by some freak hailstone from the heavens.
Alright man after reaching home I also don't know why maybe its the weather I feel so drowsy then still gotta send the maid back with all the stuff. Bought dinner then kena scolded by my dad again. Cos he insisted on me going to a wedding dinner with them. Apparently its some relative whom I probably won't be able to recognise on the streets and being in such a f**ked up mood already I simply couldn't be bothered.

What followed next was a long lecture on family ties blah blah blah. What's the point man, its the 21st century we now live in nuclear/nucleated families already. No more extended family hello?? Obviously my father's mentality is still very "China" but he's born there and he grew up like that anyway. Can't really blame him can I? The point is that it only contributed more to my f**ked up day.

Man Utd beat Man City 3-1 and I saw Paul Scholes' goal, not bad considering he just came back from injury. Yeah and it was Sun Ji Hai's fault, failure to guard one of England's best midfielders properly.

Watched Band Of Brothers on channel 5 (Best channel in Asia). Yeah like I give a flying f**k about whether its best or not. The best programmes I have seen to date on channel 5 are probably FD's Who wants to be a millionaire, amazing race, and perhaps the news. Best my ass.. I hate mediacorp, always stressing that they are no. 1, getting some companies to audit and claim they have highest viewership yada yada. In my opinion the best channel is CNA, discovery channel, and ESPN/Star sports.
CNA cos Lisa Ang is there hehe, discovery for its nice gfx and interesting programmes like Extreme engineering, junkyard wars etc etc. ESPN/Star for having so many live telecasts of various sports.

So much for today.. she didn't reply yet again. F**KED UP DAY
I will quote Uncle Nic " Ming Tian Hui Geng Hao, today no marksman try tomorrow lah"

Hmnn today sent scooby for some tender loving care already... can't wait to see what scooby's gonna look like tomorrow~

Had one hell of a long day, send car for paint job, work, played with Russell my nephew, went for one of the worker's housewarming parties, then drove home in super dangerous conditions. Not bad I made it back without getting into any accidents..

I think holiday assignment ... I'm at a loss sia..!

If I could reach the stars, pull one down for you.. shine it on my heart, so you can see the truth, then this love I have inside, is everything it seems... but for now I find, its only in my dreams...

I'm starting to get really tired ( why am i complaining so much recently..?)
Why bog myself down over somebody else who probably doesn't give 2 spiders over what happens to me? Dammit
This week has been hectic, work and work, yeah and my very helpful sis seems to need to use the car tomorrow so yeah I can't send scooby for its well deserved grooming session tomorrow. Shit man..
yeah then another @!(*#&% worker tomorrow is having an off day so its me again. NB... this is perhaps the principle of equivalent trade, to get some you must lose some.

Stupid computer continues to crash whenever I run bittorrent, I don't understand the link, maybe there's something wrong with writing to the hard disk. Which is new! Yeah dammit x 2!!!

On an even brighter note, Ke Shou Liang passed away today. I thought he was killed doing a car stunt but my friend said it was overdose of alcohol and then he died from asthma(scary). The last time I saw him he was shedding tears after a "high ranking" monk performed a daring feat live on television. Life is simply so fragile, so tomorrow I will work like there's no tomorrow!!! Yeah right..

Oh well on a cheerful note today I serviced our loyal scooby doo finally! After 6 years, the engine oil has finally been changed haha! Now it runs smoother and there isn't any more of the "lag" I felt when depressing accelerator hard. Perhaps the air filter was clogged or dirty or something like that.

Helped my dad out at his shop later on, Katong customers are generally less fussy compared to those at Beach Road, I guess they have been trained well haha! No chilli, please refill yourself re-use your own cup. Then order from us before ordering from prawn noodles. Hmnn all of them were well behaved haha.

By right later on today there's an OG outing for my FOW OG but I really really don't feel like going because I'm too tired and sunburnt from Sunday's soccer and I know it will be a very tiring day if I go out and meet them at Orchard at 12 noon. That's ridiculously early.. so there you go, most probably I won't be going simply because I haven't got the motivation. I only have motivation for 1 thing .. zzz but its fading soon also. Maybe its time I went for a long swim~~~

Crazy people whom I barely know are adding me in friendster, and I quote my best buddy "collecting stamps" is the term we use to describe what these people are doing, adding people just for the sake of adding them. Haha I've not nothing against them but I think its a bit .. KS?

Time to sleep, I'll work harder on holiday assignment ***

Was really confused today and suddenly before I knew it I was listening to sad Andy Hui songs, sprawled on my bed and I started trying to re-learn some espanyol. I have no idea why I was slightly depressed hmnn maybe its because of the pathetic state of my holiday assignment.
So being the very practical me(yeah right you loser), I decided to give it a shot and asked her out for LOTR. After what seemed like an eternity, she sounds interested and asks about the date. After I reply she soon replies that she isn't that interested for THAT movie, but would rather watch another one. And she just stated her terms, that my "sister" must come along too. I don't know if this is good or this is bad, I guess its the former right?

How often have I waited like a fool, like today.. think it took about slightly around 1 hour to reply. At least she replied.. at other times there aren't even replies! I was seriously hearing lotsa voices in my head to just give up and move on and find someone else more suitable, I contemplated e-mailing her "the truth", and nothing but "the truth".

That in our roughly 6 months of friendship I don't think she has done anything for me at all, that she doesn't answer my questions directly, that she's really good at playing hard to get or she really IS that hard to get, that I'm sick and tired of waiting for something that won't happen, that I wish her well and mean no offence at all.

Well but after watching some anime this holiday season, and applying some common sense, I figured out maybe I haven't really been trying that hard for my part as well, taking the initiative and all that crap. Its been 99% SMS and 1 phone call. That's it.. As Fujiwara Takumi (Initial D) would say, "Well I don't know unless I try" or from the 2 brothers (Full Metal Alchemist) would say , "This is the principle of equivalent trade in alchemy, to gain some is to lose some"

Oh well, so much for that, she stopped replying to my last message. Damn..

Sigh.. should I stay or should I go? What a dilemma

Had a drive driven by your love
But when you messed around I lost the drive I found
Thought you needed, needed someone true
But you changed your mind or had I failed you?
Wish again careful with my heart
But you tore it apart and broke an angel's heart
I guess what's true has an end somehow
But I am living proof of what love is about

It's hard holding you loving you losing you
It's sad to be true and be fooled by you
I don't know I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go

You played me on, played me like a clown
But I feel for you, even though I'm down
My heart is heavy, heavy like a rock
But I am so amused you're still in my thoughts

What's done is done and I'll never feel the same
But we had some good times, guess it's sad just the same
I guess the truth doesn't matter somehow
But you were living proof, of what love is about

Below is one of the most inaccurate, exaggerated and stupid, pointless type of "friendster testimonial" I have ever seen.

HahaZzZ~*~ knOwn hEr fOr...Erm...10 yEArS~!!! my clOSESt frIEnd EvEr SIncE prImAry twO~ thInk ShE knOwS EvEry SInGlE SEcrEt Of mInE...& EvEry dEtAIl Of my lIfE tOO~ ¶:) EvEry chArActOrIStIc Of AbSOlUtEly GOOd-nAtUrEd pEOplE thAt cAn EvEr ExISt...ShE hAS it~ I thInk hEr chArActOr IS jUSt flAwlESS...dOn't bElIEvE AnybOdy whO knOwS hEr In pErSOn cAn ActUAlly fInd AnythInG bAd AbOUt hEr SErIOUSly~ SUppOrtIvE, EncOUrAGInG, cOnSidErAtE, UndErStAndInG, mAgnAnImOUS, hElpfUl, kInd-hEArtEd, SOft-SpOkEn, SwEEt, hOnESt, GEnOUrOUS, tRUStwOrthy, hUmblE, frIEndly, ApprOAchAblE, cArInG, SElflESS, tOlErAnt...& & &...+ + +...wOrdS jUSt ArE nOt EnOUGh tO ExprESS hOw wOndErfUl ShE IS OkAy~??? ShE'S jUSt tOO GOOd tO bE trUE...the bESt GIrl ExIStInG On EArth~!!! thE IdEAl GIrl AS A frIEnd, A cOnfIdAnt, A pAl, A fUtUrE fEmAlE pArtnEr & wIfE fOr A GOOd GUy whO dESErvES hEr~ nObOdy ShOUld bUlly Or ExplOIt Or tAkE AdvAntAGE Of hEr...If hE/ShE hAS A hEArt~ tRUSt thAt OUr frIEndShIp wIll hAvE mAny mAny mAny mOrE 10 yEArS tO GO~ YEAhZ~!!!* With LotSsS Of StarSsS & HugSsS, XXX

How do I know its the most inaccurate, exaggerated, stupid/pointless/lame testimonial? Because I'm the receipient's brother and frankly nobody can be that perfect. Secondly my whole family agree unanimously that she's got an attitude problem. Not to flame her or what but I really think these type of testimonials are nothing but absolute crap. If you want to leave a testimonial at least allow it to have some element of truth if not you're just .. I dunno.. advocating a product or what? LAME!
On a second note, if you really want to receive such false testimonials... you might as well join pretendster.com and write some testimonials for yourself
For the ultimate LAME combo DUH..